“Do you have a plan for that pot in the sink?”
My wife and I were cleaning up the kitchen one Sunday after cooking meals for the week. And she asked me this question.
I reacted defensively. In my mind I’m thinking I haven’t gotten to it yet! I’m over here cleaning off the mixing bowls. Get off my back!
I started to respond this way, when my wife stopped me.
“Hold on. I’m not upset with you. I was asking if you had a plan for the pot, because if not I’m happy to wash it.”
Oh.
Luckily my wife could see what was happening, and she diffused the situation before it took off. But you can imagine how easily my defensiveness could have escalated a simple question into a heated argument.
We can also imagine how much better this might have gone if I’d simply answered her question. “Hmm, no, I don’t have plan for it yet.”
This happens all the time in the workplace. One person asks a question:
- Do you know where the Penske file is saved?
- Is the analytics report complete?
- Do you know why Dan was so upset this morning?
And if we’re busy or on-edge, it’s easy to read hidden intent into the question:
- I have no idea! Why are you asking me? Why should I know? I’m busy. Isn’t it your job to keep track of these things?
And we miss the fact that these are yes/no questions that have simple answers: “No, I’m not sure where the file is”.
A key part of any dialogue, is to hear the question being asked, at face value, and answer it. Sometimes, that’s all there is to it.
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