“Have You Ever…?”

A couple party games can teach us a lot about making meaningful conversations in every day life.

You may know these:

1. “Would you rather…?”
2. “Have you ever…?”

Both can start an engaging conversation.  But the second one is especially effective because it invites the other person to tell a story. By inviting a story, we are encouraging them to share an experience that actually happened to them.  And it allows us to ask questions about what happened, what they were thinking and feeling during the event, and the meaning it held for them.  It’s harder to do this with a hypothetical like “would you rather?”

So the next time you’re in a situation where you’d like to start a conversation, consider this framework:

Step 1: Ask a “Have you ever…” question related to the situation.

• if you’re at a holiday gathering: “Have you ever hosted a big party like this yourself?”
• if you’re stuck in transit:  “Have you ever had to change a flat tire?”
• if you have 5 minutes before a meeting starts: “have you ever worked on a launch with this short a timeline?”

Step 2: Ask questions that gradually go from “what happened” to “what was the effect on you?” or “what was the meaning it held for you?”

• have you ever had to change a flat tire?
• where were you?
• what was the situation?
• what did you do?
• and what happened next?
• wow, how did you handle that?
• what were you thinking? what were you feeling?
• what do you think that says about you?
• what do you make of it all?
• what do you remember most from that experience?

In early December we’re running two workshops about Conversation Starters that include more frameworks like this one: one for business settings (Dec. 10) and one for dating (Dec. 4) .  If you or someone you know is interested, details and registration are here.